I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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