Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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