FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
