I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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