Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
