So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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