Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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