We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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