Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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