I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
