Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
