i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
