Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
