Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
