I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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