So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
