So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
