You can't special order awesome
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
