just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
