She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
