Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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