there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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