Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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