Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
