I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
