You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
