my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
