Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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