Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
