I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
They have beer where we have blood.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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