weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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