You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
