4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
