Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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