And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I cannot find my penis.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
