That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
