Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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