The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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