I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
