$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
