I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
