The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
