I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
