It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
