Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
