I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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