I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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