Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
