He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
