i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
