So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
