Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
