I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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