last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
