Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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