Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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