my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
