She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
