dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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