even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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