you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
