He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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