Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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